I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I intend to get homeless drunk
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
