As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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