It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
