he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
