If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
