If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
