My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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