i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
