you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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