I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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