I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
