Kiss
Puke
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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