You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
