apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
