Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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