He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
