Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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