whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
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DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
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I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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