She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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