Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
3 2 1 whiskey
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
