I think my vagina is haunted
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Houston, we have a squirter
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
sex in a hospital.. check
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
