I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I supernannyed him into submission
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
