theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
