I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
