Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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