Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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