3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This is classic penis vs brain.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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