So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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