Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
