I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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