i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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