I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Randomize
