I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
