Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
