Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
