Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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