i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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