return my video game
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
