Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
