Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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