you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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