The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
