so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't deserve a penis
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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