Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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