Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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