hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
