Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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