We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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