also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
where are you?
Hypothermia
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
