i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
soo... how was my night?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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