roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you traded sex for a burrito?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
