Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
