My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Randomize
