his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
