thus making me awesome and them whores
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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