I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
