I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
This baby is an asshole
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
