Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
