Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
