Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
