You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
