I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Someone signed my nipple.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
